Genuine Concern

Scene: on the Tilt-A-Whirl at Gillian’s Wonderland Pier in Ocean City, NJ. The ride is pretty much spinning like a top on crack because of the weight differential between a 250 pound Dad on one side and a 73 pound boy on the other side.

Son: (Looks at father with concern) “Dad, are you feeling OK?”
Me: (through gritted teeth as I attempt to put on a brave face, failing miserably as the ride lurches into reverse again) “I feel fine…”
Son: (with a gleeful and wicked smile) “Well it doesn’t look that way!” (ends with long and maniacal laughter)

That’s a big chore!

Scene: bedroom shortly after waking up on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
Mom: (joking) so for our anniversary on Friday do you know what your Dad got me?
Daughter: (only half interested) no, what?
Mom: A dumpster! (editorially, the dumpster rental and anniversary are not related)
Daughter: Why?
Mom: So we can clean out the basement and closets and everything for the holiday season before my family arrives.
Daughter: So will my brother and I still have to do trash?
Mom: Yes.
Daughter: (Serious) OK, but we won’t be able to carry that dumpster to the curb Mom.


Scene: driving to the Jersey Shore for a one-day excursion, sibling conversation in the back seat of the truck.

Daughter: When’s Grandma getting back from her trip to France?

Son: In the next couple of days, soon.

Daughter: Remember when Grandpa said he was going to play a trick on her and redecorate their house while she was gone? He said he was gonna put lava lamps all over the place and a disco ball and a flat screen TV in the bedroom?

Son: (Deadpan) I think Grandpa is turning into a hippie.

Daughter: Yeah!

Olympic Games 2008

Scene: family room watching Olympic opening ceremonies, parade of nations….

Announcer: and in the crowd we have George Bush…
My Daughter, age 6: was he President once?
Me: (trying not to laiugh) actually he’s our current President.
My Son,age 8: what’s current mean?
Me: (wondering what they teach kids in school these days) That means ‘right now’.
My Son, age 8: Then he must get in for free!
Me: (laughing) you’re probably right.

Sounds Like… ?

SCENE: sitting at the dining room table after steak, baked potato, corn on the cob, fresh broccoli

DAD: I don’t know dear I’ve heard the Dark Night is probably just too much for him…
MOM: Sam says that he saw it and that it’s violent but not gory. He thinks our evil genius child can handle it.
DAD: But doesn’t a guy get stabbed in the head with a pencil? I’d love to take him’cuz I want to see the movie, but he’s 8…
SON: [walking dishes to sink] What’s gory mean?
DAD: something that’s got a lot of blood and guts that kids shouldn’t see…
DAUGHTER (age 6): [overheard part of conversation from another room] Doesn’t gory mean happy? Like in that movie where they sing about “food gor -eee- ous food” … you know the food makes them happy?
SON: [walking past sister’s room now] I don’t think that’s it….

Addicted to Starbucks in Kindergarten

Scene: girl child, age 6, sitting at the dining room table munching on cold pizza crust (yikes?!) as Dad cooks some eggs for her breakfast.

Her: Dad, I sure could go for some Starbucks right now.
Me: Ohhhh REALLY?!
Her: Yeah! Yesterday when it was rainy and cold Mom and I went to this place called Starbucks and had hot chocolate and it was SOOOOOOO GOOD! MMMMmmmm.
Me: Shakes head, you want ketchup with your eggs?